Planning a Memorial:

Among the many issues at hand when a loved one dies there are two important ones to decide: planning for the timely disposition of the body and commemorating the life that was lived. When you can separate those two activities, you have a great many more options, both in kind and in cost.

A "funeral" service is with the body present and is usually planned within a few days of death, sometimes in great haste. A "memorial" service (without the body) can be delayed as long as you want, to meet the convenience or needs of the family. Perhaps it makes sense to have the service at the summer home of the deceased when all were planning to gather anyway. Scheduling the event in two or three weeks lets out-of-town guests take advantage of the 14-day advance booking discount on airline tickets. Or perhaps you will want to wait for the survivor of a car crash to get out of the hospital. By not feeling pressured to have a service right away, there is time for thoughtful planning. A memorial mass is now accepted by the Catholic church.

Multiple services may be appropriate in some situations--a simple graveside service for the immediate family at the cemetery "back home," followed by a memorial service in the community where the deceased more recently lived. Or one service for co-workers and another for community and friends.

Many funeral directors will be glad to assist with memorial service planning whether using the funeral home location or not, but there will be a charge for such services. However, many families have found it therapeutic and loving to take charge without the help of a funeral director. Having something to do takes away the sense of helplessness survivors often feel at a time of death.

The Setting
In planning a memorial service, you will probably want to decide whether a formal service reflects the personality of the deceased more than an informal one. Warren had church affiliations, so it was logical that his memorial service was held at his church. Richard had not maintained his church affiliations, so his wife chose to use a funeral home for a Masonic rite back in the home state where his ashes will be scattered or buried. Paul's father spent the last four years of his life in a retirement community. Because it would have been difficult for many of his friends to travel, Paul held a memorial service in the activities room there. Anne's love of art and music made the local art museum the perfect location for her friends to enjoy a concert in her memory. Mary Jane was a country-living soul. A hillside gathering amidst the wildflowers was a perfect setting in which to sit around in jeans and share memories.

Who Will Come?
You should decide if there will be a public announcement in the newspaper, whether a written mailing to certain friends and associates seems better, or whether phone calls and the local "grapevine" will be sufficient notice.

Who Will Lead the Service?
Obviously, clergy are likely to be involved with any service in a church, temple, synagogue, or mosque-the program determined by religious practice and protocol. You can certainly ask clergy to participate in a service held elsewhere, too. But even religious services are being adapted to allow participation from attendees, with people invited to share their memories and thoughts after the initial service, making the occasion more memorable.
As for others who might lead or facilitate a service, the personalities of the people involved may dictate the best choice. A spouse who is shy about public speaking would likely defer to an adult son or daughter who is at ease leading the local Rotary or Girl Scout Jamboree. Maybe a best friend or sibling could be asked to preside. If several will participate, it's a good idea for one of them to be designated with the coordinator's role, to avoid awkward hesitations as to who should do what next.

It is always nice to find a role for children to play if the deceased was a special person in their lives. Handing out flowers or programs can be managed by even young children or grandchildren. Some may wish to draw pictures for a memory book.

The Service Itself
If there are no religious dictates, you may want to pick a theme of remembrance exemplifying the deceased. Will he be remembered most for his civic activity or his wild ties and the story behind each? Will she be remembered for her gardens and charity work or her practical jokes? Are there favorite readings of the deceased? Bible verses or Zen philosophy? Poetry? (Ernest Morgan's book Dealing Creatively with Death has some excellent examples and suggestions.) Did the deceased leave writings, maybe instructional or inspirational letters a relative has saved? You could ask friends and relatives to write up a favorite memory to read aloud or to be read. (Having those vignettes in writing, too, will mean a lot to a surviving spouse or off-spring after the service.) Some families may decide to print a formal program for the service, listing music to be played and the readings to be given, but it is not necessary.

Music
Beginning the service with music and ending the service with music creates natural "bookends" for the event. The universal language of music can be calming, healing, or unifying as people gather, whether played by community musicians or made available on CD. In this age of personalization, anything goes-jazz, a Bach organ concerto, a New Age harp. Attendees are even likely to be forgiving of a grandchild's imperfect flute rendition of "O Danny Boy" when it's offered with love.

Photographs and Memory Books
Shelby found that the pictures displayed at her sister-in-law's memorial really broke the ice for tearful family and friends as they reminisced over the hilarious old fashions. You might want to ask friends and relatives to contribute photos, clippings, awards, or other special mementos that can be assembled in a memory book for the surviving spouse or family.

Flowers
Barbara's family had potted chrysanthemums decorating the church. The pots were offered to special friends and relatives to take with them after the service, to remember Barbara-the-gardener in years to come. This thoughtfulness shows that this family had thought through the question, "What will happen to the flowers after the service?"

Refreshments
Sharing food during a bereavement gathering remains a popular practice. The ladies of the church put on a huge pot-luck supper in the town hall after one resident's memorial service. But it might be as simple as iced tea and cookies supplied by the family at an "Open House" at home or as fancy as a reception at the local inn. One man has asked for "a cocktail party," and his wife intends to oblige.

A Memorial Notice
With a mobile and dispersed society, friends and relatives are likely to be scattered far and wide. They may never see the obituary in a local paper and may not be able to attend the memorial or funeral service. Using her mother's Christmas card list, Beth sent out a notice of her mother's death. Written as a tribute to her mother, Beth listed some of her mother's remarkable traits and accomplishments. It ended with suggestions for memorial donations, to causes that her mother supported-peace, the arts, and education. This sort of card can be easily put together on a home computer or copied at a local copy shop, including a picture if one is wanted. A wide choice of nice paper in many colors is available.

What is the Difference Between "Viewing" and "Visitation"?

In the case of an unexpected death when a family is grappling with the reality of what has happened, there is a strong need to see the body of the person who died and to hold or touch the person. In most of these situations, the body will have been taken to a hospital for rescue efforts or to determine the cause of death.

Some hospitals will be very cooperative in letting the family spend time with the body over many hours, especially with an infant or child death. Others may have limited space and will expect the body to be moved quickly. When you have out-of-town family that will not arrive for 24 hours or more, another opportunity for "good-bye time" will need to be arranged. If you are not taking the body home and will be using a mortuary, you may want to ask for "private family viewing." Only occasionally is this listed on a General Price List, so there may not be a charge. (FAMSA will be asking the FTC to require that this option be offered on each GPL in the future. It is legitimate for the funeral home to make a charge for this service.) Sometimes the GPL will limit this to "no more than one hour"-a despicable practice. How dare a funeral director tell you how long or short your grieving time should be! You may certainly demand the time you need but be willing to pay any additional fees for extended use of the facilities.

There is less formality with a private family viewing, and the body is often laid out on a covered table. A casket is distancing, making it more difficult to get close-to cradle one's arms around the dead person.

Whether you choose to have the body embalmed for this private time will be a personal decision. There is no legal reason that would require embalming for such a viewing, and the funeral home may not impose embalming if it is not required by state law for the time period elapsed since death. The FTC does permit the funeral home to set a policy of requiring embalming for public viewing, however.

In the case of an expected death, people have started to say their "good-byes," and there is less need to see the body to accept the reality of death. When the end comes, it may even be seen as a blessing. Many undertakers insist, however, that a viewing is necessary for "closure." That you will probably pick a more expensive casket is surely part of the motivation in promoting a viewing, not just a visitation. In the past, it was usual to have three days of viewing or visitation. With busy working families, industry reports indicate that only one day of viewing or visitation is now being planned for most funerals. For those who wish to cut expenses even more, a viewing immediately prior to the funeral service can be scheduled-at the church or at the funeral home.

When a public viewing is held, few people go to actually peek at the dead body. They are there to support the family and to show they care. Some are uncomfortable with a dead person in the room and will stay as far away from the casket as possible. Whether in quiet banter, surprised laughter, or tender tears, spontaneous sharing is comforting. There certainly is value for the family to hear friends and colleagues freely talk about the significance of their relationship with the deceased.

On the other hand, a visitation also offers informal time for gathering and remembrances, but the casket is either closed or not there at all. A visitation without the casket present can be scheduled anywhere, anytime-without the cost or formality of funeral home involvement. Those of us who have opted for visitation-not viewing-have found this to be intimate and personal, and some would say more comfortable.

Suggestions for Personalizing a Visitation

• Location
  
  • An Open House at your own home or that of a close friend
  • In the social hall of your church, temple, or synagogue
  • At a fraternal organization's location such as the VFW
  • At the family's summer place
  • At a local restaurant or hotel that has facilities for private functions
  • At the local library or art gallery (be sure to offer a donation for use of meeting space if a fee is not already set)
  • At a botanical garden or park, if the weather is nice
    
• Memorabilia
  • Display photos, awards, honors
  • Pass out flowers, photos, poetry, special prayers or writings
  • Ask others to bring stories or photos for a family scrapbooks
  • Solicit donations "in memory of" for selected causes that were important to the deceased
  • Or ask others to bring books for library donation and share why a particular book seemed the appropriate gift
  • When planning music, choose that which was significant to the individual. (It need not be funereal).
    

Many of these suggestions would also be appropriate for a memorial gathering, in lieu of a formal funeral service.

All Information is taken from:

Memorial http://www.funerals.org/faq/memorial.htm

Viewing & Visitation http://www.funerals.org/faq/visit.htm